Cleggster wants to celebrate, but there’s no money for cakes now the child benefit has dried up
Osborne: As an ordinary person with a large private income and an offshore trust fund, let me assure you I, too, am feeling the pain of ending child benefit for families with an income of more than £50k.
Bozza: Quite right, old boy! It’s about time we stopped expecting the state to subsidise everyone’s skiing holidays …
Simon Burns: Well, it can bloody well continue to pay for my £80k-a-year ministerial limo habit …
Cameron: But you’re the railways minister! Should you be setting an example?
Burns: Sod that! Have you seen how overcrowded the trains are these days? I wouldn’t be seen dead on one.
Cameron: You’ve got a point, I suppose.
Clegg: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me, happy birthday dear Nicky, happy birthday to me.
Cameron: Gosh! Is it someone’s birthday, Cleggster?
Clegg: You are a tease, Daddy, pretending you’ve forgotten … What are we doing for my party?
Cameron: Hard to say. You’ve already made it a laughing stock.
Clegg: Please, please can we let them eat cake?
Cameron: Definitely not! Too expensive now I’ve lost your child benefit. But what we can do is reaffirm our vows.
Clegg: I can’t tell you how much that would mean to me, Daddy.
Cameron: We’re the Ronseal coalition …
Clegg: Ronsealed with a kiss …
Cameron: That does what it says on the tin …
Clegg: And what does it say, Daddy? Read it to me.
Cameron: That we are both finished unless we stay together and complete the job we started.
Clegg: What was that?
Cameron: Increasing the deficit, clamping down hard on the poor and producing glossy brochures about all our many staggering achievements that are mysteriously short on detail – until we are forced to leak them two days later.
Clegg: That’s lovely. And guess what? I’ve been invited to have my own radio phone-in show on LBC …
Cameron: At least your ratings outside London won’t go down.
Clegg: So I can connect with all the boys and girls who want to abuse me.
Cameron: Wouldn’t you be better off just calling ChildLine?
Clegg: I’m so-o-o looking forward to it. Do you think they’ll let me play my favourite song as a special request?
Cameron: What is it?
Clegg: Two Little Boys …