New year messages from Nick Clegg, David Cameron and Ed Milband: Westminster digested

The festive break, and a slow news day, mean the parliamentarians are itching to make their voices heard

Clegg: I would like to use this very important time of year …

Everyone: When absolutely nothing is going on and the papers and TV are desperately scrabbling to fill space.

Clegg: To remind the country that…

Everyone: You’ve been marginalised.

Clegg: When I promised to hold the Conservatives to account…

Everyone: You were delusional.

Milidee: May I, too, use the festive season … ?

Everyone: AKA a news black hole…

Milidee: To say that sometime next year I will flesh out what I mean by One Nation, One Nation, One Nation.

Everyone: Go on, then.

Milidee: Go on, what?

Everyone: Go on and tell us what you mean by One Nation, One Nation, One Nation.

Milidee: I still haven’t a clue. This interview is just to let you know that I might have a slightly better idea in a year’s time.

Everyone: That was interesting.

Cameron: I’m going out for a run, me!

Everyone: Not in that figure-hugging Lycra, I hope?

Cameron: Why ever not?

Everyone: No reason! Though how come the photo makes it look as if you’ve got no teeth?

Cameron: It’s a metaphor for the coalition.

Prince Charles: I say! Can I have another secret meeting with a minister?

Cameron: I’m afraid not.

Prince Charles: But I only had eight last year.

Cameron: Everyone’s away on hols. Ozzy is shattered after running the economy into the ground again.

Iain Duncan Smith: Well I’m around.

Cameron: Whatever for?

Duncan Smith: To ensure hardly any of those Paralympians get in the New Year’s Honours List. It’s not a spongers’ charter.

Cameron: Don’t worry, old boy. I’ve kept them to a bare minimum.

Thrasher Mitchell: Then why is that idiot Bernard Hogan-Howe getting a knighthood when his plebby plods tried to stitch me up?

Cameron: That was before I didn’t know you might not have been lying.

Thrasher: But I was the chief whip!

Cameron: Precisely. Now calm down, dear, and help me write a rallying call for the troops. Something about how there’s still more than two years ’til the next election so we needn’t start looking for other jobs just yet.

Thrasher: Are you sure?

Cameron: You never know. Something may turn up. And we’re only up against the Cleggster and Milidee.

Everyone: One-way ticket to Zurich for 60 million people, please. © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds

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