The festive break, and a slow news day, mean the parliamentarians are itching to make their voices heard
Clegg: I would like to use this very important time of year …
Everyone: When absolutely nothing is going on and the papers and TV are desperately scrabbling to fill space.
Clegg: To remind the country that…
Everyone: You’ve been marginalised.
Clegg: When I promised to hold the Conservatives to account…
Everyone: You were delusional.
Milidee: May I, too, use the festive season … ?
Everyone: AKA a news black hole…
Milidee: To say that sometime next year I will flesh out what I mean by One Nation, One Nation, One Nation.
Everyone: Go on, then.
Milidee: Go on, what?
Everyone: Go on and tell us what you mean by One Nation, One Nation, One Nation.
Milidee: I still haven’t a clue. This interview is just to let you know that I might have a slightly better idea in a year’s time.
Everyone: That was interesting.
Cameron: I’m going out for a run, me!
Everyone: Not in that figure-hugging Lycra, I hope?
Cameron: Why ever not?
Everyone: No reason! Though how come the photo makes it look as if you’ve got no teeth?
Cameron: It’s a metaphor for the coalition.
Prince Charles: I say! Can I have another secret meeting with a minister?
Cameron: I’m afraid not.
Prince Charles: But I only had eight last year.
Cameron: Everyone’s away on hols. Ozzy is shattered after running the economy into the ground again.
Iain Duncan Smith: Well I’m around.
Cameron: Whatever for?
Duncan Smith: To ensure hardly any of those Paralympians get in the New Year’s Honours List. It’s not a spongers’ charter.
Cameron: Don’t worry, old boy. I’ve kept them to a bare minimum.
Thrasher Mitchell: Then why is that idiot Bernard Hogan-Howe getting a knighthood when his plebby plods tried to stitch me up?
Cameron: That was before I didn’t know you might not have been lying.
Thrasher: But I was the chief whip!
Cameron: Precisely. Now calm down, dear, and help me write a rallying call for the troops. Something about how there’s still more than two years ’til the next election so we needn’t start looking for other jobs just yet.
Thrasher: Are you sure?
Cameron: You never know. Something may turn up. And we’re only up against the Cleggster and Milidee.
Everyone: One-way ticket to Zurich for 60 million people, please.